I think I won the penis lottery.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
