omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
