i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
