Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
