I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Can you bring me the toilet please
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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