I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
