True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
