I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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