Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
