dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
