Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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