Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
