It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
worst night to have a conscience
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
