we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize