Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
