I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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