my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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