I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
