i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
