We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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