we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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