I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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