No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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