im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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