I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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