My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Im part way to drunk.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
