my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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