Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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