So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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