don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
