My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
