the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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