I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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