R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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