I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
