He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My vagina is officially offended.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
