my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
