I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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