did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
