Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
