Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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