very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
this is an emotional support booty call
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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