my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
