As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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