just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
