I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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