just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
