Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize