Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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