you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
