I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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