i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize