You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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