I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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