I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Randomize
